A Spiritual Journey
Jennifer M. Tavana May 27, 2001
What is the definition of love? According to The Merriam Webster Dictionary love is defined in several ways. The definitions of love as a noun are as follows: Strong affection, warm attachment, attraction based on sexual desire, a beloved person, unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for others, and a score of zero in tennis. As a verb, the definitions are as follows: Cherish, to feel a passion, devotion, or tenderness for, caress, or to take pleasure in.
Some people profess that they don’t “believe in love”. I find that slightly odd when looking at the many definitions of what love is or could be. Does that mean that those people have never felt a “strong affection” or a “warm attachment” to anyone, ever?
I was thinking of my own definition of love the other day, and I was beyond myself when I realized that I have loved many times in many different ways. This realization is what drove me to look up the definition in a dictionary; was it just me? Have I been alone in the many experiences that I have been blessed to have? I sincerely doubt it.
In my twenty-six years of life, I can honesty say that I have ‘loved’ at least six people. In fact, when looking at my first long-term relationship in high school, it was difficult for me to determine whether or not I loved the man. Yet when I look at the progression of emotions and experiences that I’ve had, I realize that the love that I felt for the person was just a less complex, more innocent form of love, i.e. “take pleasure in”. I took pleasure in his company, romantically and otherwise, but that was the extent of it.
Actually, if I look back at any of the men that I have felt a love for, I can basically ‘define’ what form of love it was, and see the complexities develop over time. Small steps first I guess. I also feel that as we get older and have more experiences behind us, we start to determine what form of love we desire. To take it a step further, I personally feel that for everyday life, there needs to be love. Not always romantically, but love of some form. And I feel lucky to be able to say that I’ve experienced love in many forms.
Now we can look at love experiences. Just because I have felt love for people over the years and feel satisfied with that, that is not to say that I have always received love (or felt it) in the manner of which I desired to. The people who have loved me (men included) have loved me in different ways I’m sure. For example, when I look at a child with her parents, if her needs are getting met, she feels loved. In fact, I would guess that that statement could be a guideline for most people. “If my needs are getting met, I feel loved”. Problems may arise when a person (child or adult) has needs that have changed. If a child is now a teenager, obviously her needs are going to be different than when she was younger. And even though she felt loved when she was young, she may not feel loved in her teenage years if her parents don’t change how they attempt to ‘show’ their love-by meeting her needs.
I also think that changes in needs may be a large factor in romantic relationships “failing”. I quote the word “failing” because I do not believe any relationships actually ‘fail’. If a person sets out in a romantic relationship with a specific outcome in mind (for example, getting married) and the couple breaks up, people may say that the relationship was a failure. I, however, try to enter into all relationships with the mindset that I am in it for the experience. Whatever experience that I may encounter. So, if my needs change, or someone is not meeting my needs, then maybe it’s time for a change. Yes, I believe in communicating my needs to someone. I believe in trying to salvage something good or beneficial, but if a relationship is no longer beneficial to either or both people, then it’s time to make another choice.
Another example would be my relationship with my mother. For many years, I have not felt that my needs were being met. Whether it be because I lacked in communicating my needs or not, I’m not sure. I do know, however, that recently I have expressed what my needs are. That they have changed (since I was a child). My needs as a woman are to be respected and to be left to make choices on my own, without interference. Also, to be supported when I do make decisions about my life. These needs have not been met therefore I do not feel loved. In return, she may not feel loved by me if I am not meeting her needs. I will admit also, that I am unclear about what her needs are at this point in her life. I realize though, that I am neglecting to mention intentions. A person’s intentions are important, but when the skin is shed, what really matters is “does this person feel loved?” I have no doubt that my mother’s intentions are to love and show love. Just as my intentions are the same. Meeting someone’s needs though is what I believe to make a person ‘feel’ loved. “Knowing” that you are loved is a glorious, precious thing. But what will really motivate a person is how they feel for the most part.
In terms of romantic relationships, I am satisfied. When I say “satisfied” I mean content, without regrets. I’ve had pain, much pain, like so many people. Yet I’ve managed to learn and grow. I’ve learned about myself and about others. I’ve been able to make decisions with more confidence and ease, trusting my knowledge and my spirit. Am I looking for love? Always. I find love, and love finds me. Love exists. I believe all we have to do to experience love is be still. Love has never knocked on my door the day after I prayed about it, and it probably never will. However, I have found love when I was least expecting it. Isn’t that something I’ve heard over the years? “When you stop looking, that’s when it will happen.” But who came up with the conditioning that if you love someone you have to ‘be in a relationship’ with them until you die? That confuses me. Doesn’t that thinking limit the experiences people are able to have with love? Isn’t love one of the major pathways to growing and learning? No wonder most couples break up. That’s a huge expectation to have on anyone or any relationship. Is it possible? I’m most positive it is, but in today’s ever- changing and stressed society, people seem to see things differently.
In fact, to ‘love’ as a noun, in my opinion is to “feel” a certain way for someone. To ‘love’ as a verb is almost entirely different. Someone I respect a lot pointed out to me that there was a difference with loving in a ‘noun’ or ‘verb’ sense. To be married, you can have the noun love, but I believe you must have the verb love. You must ACT LOVINGLY to maintain a marriage or relationship. In today’s society it appears that when a person stops loving in a noun sense (stop feeling love), they stop acting lovingly, and get out. That’s why people say, “Marriage is a daily commitment”. You commit to act lovingly to someone, even when the romantic feelings have faded, or attraction has diminished. You act in a loving manner. Wow, that’s a big commitment.
Could I have such a commitment in my life? Or would I want to? I’m sure I could and I hope that I have the opportunity in this life. But as of yet, I have felt a deep sense of searching. To experience love in many forms before I make that commitment. I guess I’ve listened to people who married early on in life who said to me, “I just wish I had experienced more in life before I decided to settle down…dating and going out with my friends, etc.” Gaining knowledge and learning how to love, while also learning how to be loved-that has been one of my paths on this earth.
Lastly I want to clarify why I have put more emphasis on romantic love opposed to every other form of love. I believe that every love is equally important. For me personally, though, I question the depth of experiences I can have from other forms of love besides the romantic kind. I love my friends and my family. My niece and nephew have shown me things and allowed me to experience a form of love different from any other I’ve experienced also. The difference with romantic love, in my opinion, is the intimacy. Yes, sex too, but intimacy in particular. I can’t recall having physically intimate encounters with any of my friends.
Our souls are so much bigger than we can imagine. There is so much more to us than just our bodies and minds. The inner gut, the instinct, intuition, your spirit-voice, have you ever felt or heard it? Have you ever met someone and felt that you’ve known that person for a long time, without explanation? That is your soul talking. Our souls speak to each other on a level that is beyond the human mind. This happens probably beyond the human realm also.
Lately, whenever I touch my car, I get a shock. Static. I can’t seem to figure out why all of the sudden this keeps happening…is the heat too high in my house, or my skin too dry? I rally don’t have a clue. But I can say that I have met people where I’ve felt a sort of ‘shock’. An electrical charge if you will. If I pay close attention, I feel something whenever I am around anyone. Some kind of connection or familiarity comes up. It’s very subtle most of the time, but it’s always there, even if I don’t notice it. I believe that is my spiritual connection with people.
In my research, I have read that many authors of books, etc. believe that when the soul is out of (or away from) the human form it is boundless, overflowing. Also, that the soul can and does merge with other souls for pleasure and closeness. What way can you think of that is even ‘remotely’ close to merging in human form? Sex. You can call it sex, intimacy, making love, etc., however you want to put it. Yes, many people have sex without having intimacy or feeling or showing love. Humans are capable of that. But the closest we as humans come to ‘becoming one’ with any other being is to participate in the act of sex.
Think for a moment about your most pleasurable sexual experience, whoever it was with, at whatever time in your life. Think of just the pleasure, the ecstasy. Now, try to think of any other physical experience in your life like it. Is there one? I’m not looking at particulars. You may say, “Yes, but that’s just not as important as having a great friendship or wonderful children, etc.” And that may be true. But has there been anything in you life that made you ‘physically’ feel like you did at that moment?
Now having sex, or being intimate (which can be totally separate things) can be complicated. And if you have yet to have an experience to where you have felt like you came as close as you can to ‘merging souls’ with someone, this may be a hard concept to comprehend. I could never have written about this issue at all in prior times of my life, because I had never been close enough spiritually to someone to have an experience like this. Let me just say that in my opinion, sex and lovemaking don’t even compare to what I’m talking about. If you’ve had an experience like this, you know what I am speaking of.
Being a human creature yet having a soul can be complicated and scary. I’ve always felt a longing for togetherness, to lose the feeling of being ‘completely’ alone. I’ve had many friends, and close relationships. Yet, deep down, I felt alone. I felt this way because we really are alone. We are within ourselves. No matter how much we love someone or what we do, we are singular. For example, our journey through death is entirely a singular one. People on a bus may all die at the same time, but the experience for each person is an individual one. And to be able to satisfy my spirit in it’s ‘desire to merge with other spirits’ I’ve had to search. What did I search for? It basically came down to searching for knowledge. Learning how to put my desires into the universe and set things in motion. Knowledge about how to become open to experiences and having more spiritual awareness was the key. If you don’t acknowledge that you are a spiritual entity, how aware of a spiritual experience will you be? The experience will happen even if you are not aware of it, but your knowledge of it and perception of it will be different and probably limited.
In becoming aware of my spirituality, and welcoming spiritual growth, I opened the doors to possibilities. I was then able to, not only have the experience that I desired for so long, but be conscious of it also. These two circumstances, I believe, enabled me to experience ‘merging’ to my capacity at that time. Will I have more experiences like it? Every day I pray that I will. But I also try to stay open and conscious of my spirit and it’s voice.
Why don’t more people experience such a thing? I’m not an expert, but timing may have something to do with it. Not to mention finding someone whose spirit is having the same desire, and that person’s consciousness and awareness being in a place to enable him to share in that experience. I do not believe that I could’ve had that experience if the person I was with was not at the same place I was. To, in human form, enjoy the ‘merging of spirits’ I believe that both parties have to be open to it. Otherwise, it’s just sex. And if there’s love between the two people, possibly making-love.
That experience was with one person. But like I said in the beginning…progression. From the most simplistic to the more enlightened. I’ve learned how to be where I am from all of the loves that I have had. It went from sex to intimacy, to making-love, and finally merging. Just as you learned first what numbers were, then how to add and subtract, to fractions, etc. You didn’t get to kindergarten and have to multiply numbers did you? Of course not. No one could expect you to just “know” without having the opportunity to learn first.
Only you know what your calling is, or what your spirit is calling you to experience. And if you don’t know, I invite you to explore. Be confident that life is not just about being here, going through the motions. It can be so much more than that, even if there will always be hard times, struggles and pain. How would we ever learn if we never struggled or ventured out? See what is out there for you. Venture beyond what is expected of you, and dive into the unknown. The unknown does not have to be as scary as we make it out to be. In fact, I am fascinated with what I do not know, because the routine becomes boring to me. And I find that I get so much more out of the great things in life if I experience them after a hard time or struggle. See for yourself sometime. In the book “Conversations with God” Neil D. Walsh says, “If it’s not serving you, make another choice.” Is your life serving you? Take the challenge and look. You may find that the grass truly is greener on the other side of the fence. Do you dare hop the fence?
